just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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