her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize