I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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