I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
