Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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