we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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