the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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