A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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