So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
