I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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