I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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