One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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