Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize