Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
