Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish you could order shots online.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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