We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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