Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
