I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
