my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
whose ass print is on the piano?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
