The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
