The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize