What did we do last night that was yellow?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
this is an emotional support booty call
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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