Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
