happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We just shotgunned beers for America
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
