I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
