I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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