Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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