Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
