Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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