Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize