My nipple is on Facebook.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
