In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
someone owes me an orgasm
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
