she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
