you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
