you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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