Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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