You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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