if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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