I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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