Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize