Where did you get a picture of my penis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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