For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
