Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
