I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
