i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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