Can Purell be used as lube?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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