never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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