We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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