I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
