I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
