I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
