Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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