Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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