I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We need to get me chipped asap
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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