look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
