dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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