I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
