i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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