I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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