Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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