Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
