she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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