Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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